If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
