I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Just invented taco cereal.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
