i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
