I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
