Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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