Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
