defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
