I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
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