So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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