my phone needs a breathalizer
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
