Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
