i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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