you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
