Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
