my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
