i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
