I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
