i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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