My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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