ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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