my phone needs a breathalizer
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
