my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
