It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
40s are totally the cure
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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