and i looked up. we had an audience...
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
