I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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