cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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