have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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