Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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