You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
