my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
