Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
