I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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