If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
