a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
