why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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