When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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