I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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