Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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