What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
you mean i was at the winter classic?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
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