Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
