new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
birth control should be required to get into college
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Randomize
