Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
