Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
