I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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