i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
