I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
