I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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