we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
