I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
