so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize