The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
