There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
