She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Randomize
