I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
